The Criteria
“It is He who created you from one soul (nafs-in-wahidah) and made from it its mate that he might dwell in tranquility with her (li-yaskuna ilaiha from the root of s-k-n or tranquility).”
[Al-A’raf, “The Heights” Verse 189]
When it comes to selecting a future spouse, it is important to separate the glitter from the gold. The unfortunate truth is, there is more glitter than gold in the world. Glitter dust has no real substance, unlike raw, authentic, solid gold. It is vital to know the difference between a marriage based on culture and a marriage based on the Qur’an and the Sunnah. It all begins with the selection of the spouse. From this one decision, will come 90% of a person’s contentment or 90% of a person’s misery in life.
Abu Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah, ﷺ, said, “If someone proposes marriage to you whose religion and character satisfies you, then you should accept it. If you do not do so, there will be trials (fitan) on the earth and the spread of corruption (fasad).” [Source: Sunan al-Tirmidhī 1084]
Abu Huraira also reported: The Messenger of Allah, ﷺ, said, “A woman is married for four reasons: her property, her status, her beauty, and her religion. Thus, give precedence to one with religion.” [Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī 4802, Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim 1466].
Thawban reported: The Messenger of Allah, ﷺ, said, “The best wealth is a tongue that remembers Allah, a grateful heart, and a believing wife to help one in his faith.” [Sunan al-Tirmidhī 3094]
As you read through the Islamic selection criteria below, please also use it as a road map for yourself such that, when you do find someone who fits this criteria, you too are offering the same. Marriage is a covenant between two people, under Allah and the Messenger ﷺ. As such, we must both be committed to the mutual quest for enduring and compassionate love, respect, mercy and give and take within the marital relationship, in order to have tranquility in our homes. Thus, we must be prepared to offer to a potential spouse, what we ask for of them, in order to fulfil the goal of marriage, which is tranquility in the sacred abode of rest, repose, safety and security.
Islamic Selection Criteria
Prospective spouses should…
1. Have a sound understanding of aqeedah (creed); having read the Qur’an in a language s/he understands, in its entirety, at least once in their lifetime, but preferably reads it with understanding at least once a year, every year.
2. Have a fair understanding of the seerah (the Prophetic Way) and character of the Prophet ﷺ, specially in how he handled conflict, trauma and trials and tribulations in his life. He was a man who was always in the service of his Lord, his family and his community.
3. Be practicing the five pillars of Islam with sincerity; having already performed hajj or with the intention to perform hajj, when affordable and possible.
4. Have the positive character traits of truthfulness, trustworthiness, integrity, honour, respect, kindness, gentleness.
5. Be someone who is slow to anger and quick to forgive.
6. Be someone who loves to help people, especially those of a lower socioeconomic status, who can do nothing for him/her in return.
7. Be someone who understands that his/her word is their bond and they must fulfil their promises. The Prophet ﷺ was known as Al-Ameen, the trustworthy one.
8. Not have the negative character traits of lying, miserliness, harshness, mockery, lewdness, indecency, depravity, vulgarity and the use of foul language and name calling on any level (fasaad and faahisha).
9. Have a solid understanding of the rights and responsibilities of marriage, based on the predominant madhab the prospective family will be practicing.
10. Have the understanding that the head covering (khimar/hijab) for the daughters of Islam is ‘fard ayn’, a mandatory individual obligation and is completely supporting and encouraging of such a fundamental component of a women’s modesty and commitment to Allah’s commandment. Hayaa (modesty) is the hallmark of the religion of Islam and is a fundamental mark of prophetic character.
11. Have the ability and intention to pursue knowledge, read, reflect, critically think, discern, and be open to negotiation and discussion in the exchange of ideas.
12. Have a solid understanding of the sacredness of the marriage contract; a covenant between two souls under Allah and His Messenger ﷺ. This is no small thing. It is a binding covenant with consequences for the breach of it.
13. Have an understanding of the mahar (the agreed upon bridal gift to the wife) and knows that a woman’s consent is required in the presence of her wali (male guardian who is a mahram) or wakeel (male who is an appointed guardian), who has her best interests at heart and will intervene and advocate for her if the marriage contract is breached or she is mistreated.
14. Be a listener with the true ability to hear the other person, and then respond calmly without reacting or being intimidated.
15. Following Allah commands in all the major requirements of being a Muslim and refraining from all the kabair (major sins).
16. Be kind and caring of Allah’s creation - other people, children, trees, animals and the environment and planet as a whole.
17. Be someone who understands that the duniya (this lower world) is temporary and is not consumed by it in the pursuit of fulfilling their worldly desires. He/she is balanced in pursuing the duniya to fulfil their needs and to assist others, in order to be successful in the Aakhira, within the financial boundaries set by Allah and His Messenger, ﷺ.
18. Be someones who understands the importance of staying away from usury (ribaa), as there is no benefit to it and it is categorically forbidden by Allah and the Messenger, ﷺ.
19. Have a mutual attraction in terms of chemistry and physical attributes, to ensure compatibility towards long term physical intimacy with each other, such that once the initial honeymoon period passes, the couple settle into a deep, solid, mutually beneficial, supportive, loving, solid friendship. In an ideal marriage, the spouses would be each other’s most supportive companion under the aegis of Allah and the Messenger, ﷺ.
20. Have compatibility of personality.
21. Have emotional intelligence, compassion and empathy in supporting, nourishing and being nurturing the other.
22. Foster common interests, leisure activities and long term life, financial, and personal development goals, both in terms of this world while conforming to the requirement of the faith and the afterlife.
23. Have mutual short term and long term goals for each other, the children and the family in terms of growth, both for this world and the next world.
24. Have an understanding of conflict resolution, so in the event of disagreement, the ultimate arbitration is based on the principles and commandments of the Qur’an and Sunnah, with external arbitrators from either family or leaders of the community brought in should the need arise.
25. Have realistic expectations of each other, knowing that a spouse cannot fill every role or need in one’s life.
26. Have the mentality to compromise after mutual consultation, with the agreement that the man, as the imam of the family and ‘qawwam’ (protective, advocating, maintaining guardian of woman) has the ultimate say, when the decision conforms to the Qur’an and the sunnah. This privilege comes with great responsibility, as he will be held accountable for his decision on behalf of the family on the Day of Reckoning.
The Sacred Responsibility of the Men
Dear Sisters, choose your Imam wisely, for he will have authority over you.
The Sacred Trust of the Women
Dear Brothers, choose your trusted helpmate wisely, for she will be entrusted with the safeguarding of your interests, home and children.
“O you who have believed, protect yourselves and your families from a Fire whose fuel is people and stones…”
[At-Tahrim, “The Prohibition” Verse 6]
