The Caregiver
It all begins with us.
Being an effective caregiver begins with each one of us individually. Parents, guardians, teachers and other mentors play a foundational role in shaping and supporting little human beings from birth through young adulthood and beyond. Two important concepts to be cognisant of in this ongoing caregiving journey is self-regulation and co-regulation.
Self-regulation is the successful regulation and management of emotions, thoughts, intentions and actions in the life of a human being, as we navigate the ups and downs of the life in this world. It is fundamental in promoting wellness across the life of a human being, whether that is in the physical, emotional, mental, social, financial or educational realms. The development of self-regulation in human beings is based on the effective co-regulation by the caregivers in the lives of the children, especially in the early years, through adolescence, and young adulthood.
Co-regulation is the interactive process between the caregivers and those in their care in modelling self-regulation and fulfilling the needs and wants of the children. This must be done in a predictable, responsive, and caring manner with set expectations, schedules and routines to help anchor the needs and wants of the children and their day to day activities.
In order to be effective parents, teachers and mentors, caregivers need to look deep within ourselves and evaluate our own capacity for self-regulation, before we can provide co-regulation to anyone else. We will need to carefully monitor own internal state, especially our own beliefs, thoughts, emotions and feelings, in order to calmly and effectively respond to the needs and wants of the child we are fostering and caring for. Sometimes, this necessitates us to go back to our own childhood and re-parent our own inner child, especially if this component was not modelled for us or lacking in our own childhood days.
Children are highly observant creatures and their brains are like sponges, absorbing everything around them. For the effective development of self-regulation in children, caregivers must exhibit predictable, responsive, and supportive behaviours in their interactions with children and create an environment that is conducive to the nurturing, nourishment, development, and growth of little human beings. Children begin developing their own self-regulation by observing the caregivers’ self-regulation in every situation, especially in times of stress and difficulty. As the children grow, their needs and wants will change and therefore, the quality and quantity of co-regulation by the caregiver will also change over time. Caregivers will need to adjust and mentor accordingly, as the capacity for the child’s own regulation within matures.
It is critical that the caregiver is mindful and conscious of the growing child and allows them the freedom and respect within safe boundaries, for the child to grow into themselves and thrive as an individual, rather than as an extension of the parental figure. Some caregivers can be over-controlling and stifle the growth of their own children because of their own adult inadequacies, leading to serious problems within the child in terms of the lack of self-love, self-worth, self-esteem, self-confidence and self-efficacy in adulthood which leads to making poor choices in life.
Children have a fundamental need to be securely attached to their caregiver, such that they feel loved, respected and cared for, in order to develop trust in the adults in their life. For children to feel nurtured, they must feel emotionally and physically safe in their environment, whether that is at home or elsewhere. They need a safe space to make choices, whether beneficial or adversarial, and practice new skills in order to learn and grow. To foster such an environment, a caregiver must be loving, caring, warm, affectionate, sensitive, kind, patient, empathetic, compassionate and responsive to the needs and wants of the child. Children are an amanah, a sacred trust. They deserve to see the best of us, not the worst of us.
Caregivers need to be perceptive to the bids for connection and cues that children make, in order to be able to respond to any situation, especially in times of stress and upheaval. Self-care practices and effective and calm communication is pivotal in the managing of a caregiver’s own self-regulation, when providing co-regulation for those in their care.
Caregivers must keep in mind that every child is different, and there is no one size fits all when it comes to intelligent and effective parenting. It is also important to note that comparing children with each other is destructive and can lead to many detrimental issues in adulthood. Each child is a unique human being, with their own strengths and weakness. Each child deserves to thrive in a home that is safe and filled with love, mercy and tranquility. It’s all in the hands of the caregivers who set the tone for the home.
To be effective parents, we must look deep within and examine our own capacity for self-regulation, such that we can provide co-regulation to those in our care.
It all begins with us.
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