2. Shipwreck
Dear Sister in Islam,
11. Acceptance of what happened to you in the past and where you are now in the present, is half the battle of moving forward. What will be in the future is not in your hands. All you can do is choose your response to the circumstances you find yourself in, in this moment and to strive on.
12. When you begin to doubt yourself, you will desperately cling on to the wisdom of Musa (AS), like clutching upon the wreckage of the ship, in order to stay afloat amidst the turbulent storm lashing over you.
When Musa (AS) was confronted by the Red Sea before him and Pharaoh and his army behind him, how did he reassure the Israelites who were fleeing Egypt with him? He said “Indeed my Lord is with me, He will guide me through.” [26 Ash-Shu’ra/ The Poets Verse 62]
.إِنَّ مَعِيَ رَبِّي سَيَهْدِينِ
13. It’s very very important to say ‘No’ in life, as it is to say ‘Yes'.
You have to find the courage to say no for the sake of the children. The children didn’t choose to live in a toxic, poisonous environment of strife, anxiety, turbulent emotions and escalating tension. They didn’t choose their parents and they certainly had no agency to rescue themselves. However, as the guardian of your children, you have the agency to make a change for them.
14. Every child needs a tranquil home, filled with love and mercy.
When children feel unsafe, they will run away to find the parent who makes them feel safe, even if that means trekking alone across multi lane roads and walking 45 minutes in the freezing cold. When your child thanks you 6 months later for getting them out and filing for divorce, you know with certainty you’ve done the right thing. The adage that it is better to be *from* a broken home, rather to be *in* a broken home is true.
15. As parents, you are your children’s first role model. You have to sit yourself down and ask yourself: what are you modelling for your children? Will they base their own future marriages on your experiences? Will this vicious cycle perpetuate intergenerational trauma that could be passed on from your children to their unborn children and so forth, because you lacked the courage to take responsibility for your poor choices in life and take a risk to make a change?
16. People tend to stay far too long in the toxic but familiar because they are afraid of risk, they are afraid of change and they are certainly terrified of the unknown. So you suffer and allow your children to suffer. Most mothers would give their lives for their children. No mother wants their child to endure, not even for one moment, what they endured. Most mothers would not consciously want their children to mimic their terrible choices but by staying in an abusive relationship, that is what is being modelled to the child; that this is an acceptable way of living when it’s not. You have the agency to do something about it but your children don’t. Islam doesn’t condone abuse, oppression or violence against women, be it physical, psychological, sexual, financial or spiritual.
17. Never let anyone denigrate you. Never let anyone tell you that are stupid, worthless, evil, crazy, trash, a beggar or call you other vulgar epithets linguistically reserved for animals, especially in front of your own children. Never let anyone tell you that you should be no one’s mother or that you don’t deserve to live because the world is a better place with you dead.
Both the gift of existence and the gift motherhood is bestowed upon you by the Will of the Creator and not by an insignificant man who uses the gift of the tongue by the Most Merciful to spew vulgarity and filth inside the Muslim home, while pretending to be a defender of the oppressed to the outside world.
18. Know that what lies in the hearts of human beings manifests on their tongues. It is vital to purify the heart in order to purify the tongue. The tongue is a dangerous weapon. You will be held accountable for what it speaks. You are reminded to take yourself to account before you are taken to account.
19. When you accept unacceptable behaviour from the people in your life who are meant to love you, respect you, and keep you safe, you are teaching them how to treat you in the long term. You are letting them know, that you will endure the abuse because you don’t value your own self, so why should they value you? Unknowing, you play a role in your own ongoing abuse, enabling and perpetuating the wile, toxic behaviour that gets progressively worse in frequency, duration and intensity. As you enabled it, so must you stop it.
20. Your silence condemns you. Your silence condones what happens. Somewhere along the way, you lost your voice. Only you hear the silent screams of anguish of your own soul. Never allow anyone to take your voice away from you.
